


like a halo in reverse

by worry



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: At one point, Consensual Mind Control, M/M, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, book canon is burned to the ground. my city now.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-17 07:07:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9310565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worry/pseuds/worry
Summary: The feeling began to become home. More of a home than vampirism would ever be. He'd stand alone, attemptGod,and feel the pain.This is how it is, this is what I deserve, this is what I have become. I am this now. I will always be this. I deserve to hurt—Until the day thatGodfinally left his lips and remained in his throat, no choking, no burning. Just Raphael and God, severed.Simon, on the other hand..."Raphael," he whispers, "I'm so sorry. I thought—"Raphael feels a twist in his stomach. It is a feeling that he hasn't experienced in a very long time. He needs to lead the clan, he needs to give themjustice,but he's alone with Simon, most secure room in the Hotel DuMort like a past life, and all that he can feel iswant, hunger, need.There is no room for justice in human want. It's sick. Raphael is very, very sick; this is the only explanation for the humanness, the only explanation for the twists."Do it again," Raphael says, his entire being turning into a betrayal right against Simon's body. "I need you."





	

iii.

 

You feel everything as a vampire. 

 

You feel everything as Raphael, also, which is what deepens it;  _when he died he felt, and felt, and felt. Hunger, mostly._ _Then: longing. Humanity just out of his grasp, just a little bit too far away. Every night he slept and woke up, still as something wrong in lost eyes._ He has learned to swallow it down, like swallowing forbidden fruit in a different life. The feeling, and - the hunger, and whatever happens when the two mix. He thinks he should miss it. He misses it. He shouldn't miss it. 

 

The first time that a vampire died, every part of him shattered.

 

(Raphael knew him intimately, but. No one talks about that. Or: Raphael doesn't think about that; if he does the lines blur too much, and we can't have that.)

 

Raphael still isn't sure what happened. He was there and then: he wasn't, and Raphael felt his death throughout his body. In every crevice, every little _speck_ of him. It felt like burning. It  _felt._ Every piece of him, every bone and every tissue, every  _disgusting_ inside, shattered.

 

Camille said it was the sun, when Raphael made the mistake of asking. Too much light, amen.  _Why do you care, Raphael? When did you start feeling? Plenty of people I know have died. I just learned how to turn it off. I learned how to ignore their deaths, and you can, too._

 

He tried to turn it off, he  _tried,_ but every death that passed afterwards caused something different: the feeling of a melting body, the feeling of burned skin, the feeling of his heart being cut-up and eaten -  _too much feeling, amen._ The image of a light going out, in his mind; the clan somehow being windows of light inside of him, the clan somehow being light in the dark, disgusting body of Raphael Santiago. A light would go out and Raphael would, for a moment, falter; after the moment passed, however, he continued with his job, body still melting, skin still burning, heart still being eaten. It's necessary, he thinks, to move forward, even when you feel the death of your friends in your own (disgusting) bones. See: amen.

 

xi.

 

Raphael spent - too long, trying to breathe  _God;_ shortly after being turned, he tried to repent and was given, instead, a burning throat. An appropriate punishment, considering the feelings that he has always had, buried even deeper then - a burning throat, a burning mouth, for someone who wanted to use it for sin. A better ending to the story.

 

The feeling began to become home. More of a home than vampirism would ever be. He'd stand alone, attempt  _God,_ and feel the pain.  _This is how it is, this is what I deserve, this is what I have become. I am this now. I will always be this. I deserve to hurt—_

 

Until the day that  _God_ finally left his lips and remained in his throat, no choking, no burning. Just Raphael and God, severed.

 

Simon, on the other hand...

 

"Raphael," he whispers, "I'm so sorry. I thought _—"_

 

Raphael feels a twist in his stomach. It is a feeling that he hasn't experienced in a very long time. He needs to lead the clan, he needs to give them  _justice,_ but he's alone with Simon, most secure room in the Hotel DuMort like a past life, and all that he can feel is  _want, hunger, need._ There is no room for justice in human want. It's sick. Raphael is very, very sick; this is the only explanation for the humanness, the only explanation for the twists. 

 

"Do it again," Raphael says, his entire being turning into a betrayal right against Simon's body. "I need you."

 

The softness in his voice makes Simon hesitate for a moment. He isn't used to seeing Raphael vulnerable. No one has seen Raphael like this in decades.

 

Raphael, inexplicably, trusts him. 

 

Simon kisses him and it's beautiful, his lips over every (sick) part of Raphael. The way he holds Raphael is a different kind of soft; somehow Raphael can tell that Simon is afraid of breaking him, afraid of going too far. It's a fear that Raphael shares. Simon is fragile like this, but again beautiful, and Raphael is terrified of hurting. It's too familiar.

 

Simon is also curious. Raphael knows this because of the way he tries to bring himself  _closer,_ even when there's no space left between them, Raphael pressed against the wall with Simon pushing, slowly, upwards into his body.

 

"Simon," he says. "Simon,  _G—_ "

 

They both stop for a moment. Raphael tries again, over and over,  _G—_

 

_Go—_

 

_G—_

 

He can't get the word out, years of rightful torture melted by Simon Lewis.

 

And then Simon's kissing him again. Raphael forgets about the sickness easily; Simon's hands scrape down his back, and they're lost.

 

 iv.

 

 You feel everything as a vampire.

 

Simon fucks him and he imagines it as a worshiping position; on his knees, breathing God, hoping for a lost God that will never save him. Vision blurring, body shaking as he grips the (exquisite, silk) sheets. There isn't much of a difference between this and worship, but _—_

 

You feel everything as a vampire. Simon is inside of him and Simon never leaves, Simon being the salvation, Simon being the lost God, Simon being a body. He's just another body. What they  _don't_ tell you upon turning is that vampires feel everything; the clan, specifically, are bonded. Raphael knows who is sad and who is angry and who feels suicidal, every feeling inside of him like ghosts. He has done nothing to deserve this. Every feeling inside of him like Simon. This also bleeds into sex. It is Simon's first time, post-turning. He is still new at this, Raphael knows, he will take and take because it  _feels good,_ because it feels  _right,_ because his entire body is folding in on itself, pleasure purifying. Simon will take and take and Raphael - Raphael will  _give._ He is ready to give Simon anything.

 

 viii.

 

You feel everything as a vampire.

 

Raphael prays for Simon, imagines Simon's lifeless body reanimating, coming back to life. A full life. A good life. A life without blood. 

 

Raphael can't even touch his body. There's too much sun between them; it's ironic, almost, Raphael always being so far away from his future. Raphael always being so far away from anything holy.

 

You feel everything as a vampire, which means that Raphael felt Simon die as he passed in his arms.  _Pietà. Cradling the dead body of Jesus._ Stay with me, Raphael said, with misplaced hope.  _Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me, come on, please. Everything - everything is going to be okay. You'll be fine._ He wiped the blood off of Simon's body. He wiped Simon's tears away when he cried, still in Raphael's arms.  _Simon, you're okay. Simon_ _—_

 

 

 ix.

 

_He knows exactly when the light - the beautiful, young light - fades out of him, not because Simon stops struggling, but because Raphael feels something pull at him. His heartbeat, almost nonexistent inside of him, stops for a moment. Starts again. His neck begins to burn. He stops running for a little while until the pain subsides, and then he's on his feet again, Simon's arm still around him like comfort. Like - for a short amount of time, Raphael can pretend that everything will be fine, in the same way that he comforted Simon._

 

_Everything will be okay._

 

 xxv.

 

"Can vampires encanto other vampires?" he asks, and when he licks the blood off of his lips Raphael thinks about sin, about burning throats.

 

"It's more difficult," Raphael sighs. "But we can, if we're very insistent."

 

"Will you let me try it on you?"

 

Raphael stops for a moment, clenches his fist. Simon's persistence is always admirable - always  _beautiful,_ but also idiotic. Raphael knows that admiring him isn't a good idea, but he can't stop himself. He has never been able to stop himself.

 

"You can't even encanto a  _rat,_ Simon," he replies. "What makes you think you can encanto an older, far more experienced vampire?"

 

"Because you like me," Simon says. "Because you basically do what I want you to all the time anyways, so _—"_

 

"Okay," Raphael says. One corner of his mouth curls; the kind of smile that, he knows, will always make Simon Lewis melt. "Go ahead. Try to encanto me."

 

"What," Simon says quietly, looking away from Raphael, "what - what if I hurt you?"

 

"If you can successfully control me, you can do whatever you want with me."

 

"But..."

 

"Simon, I mean it. I know you've fantasized about me being under your control, right? So you can make me, I don't know, leave you alone? Stop pestering you about mastering your new powers?"

 

"Well _—"_

 

"Anything, Simon. Anything you want. If you can somehow manage to encanto me, I promise, I'm all yours. Every part of me."

 

Simon would never hurt him. Raphael knows, more than he knows anything else, that Simon would never hurt him. Not like this.

 

He nods, and raises a hand up to Raphael, closes his eyes. " _Encanto._ "

 

"Stop. When you encanto someone, imagine them falling under your control with your entire being. Visualize it in your mind. Use your hands, but gently."

 

Gently. Raphael slowly breaks down the walls that he has built inside of him, brick by brick, threads it out. All for Simon, so that this will be easy. He is ready to give Simon anything.

 

(You feel everything as a vampire.)

 

"I can't do it, Raphael, there's just - just too much in your mind."

 

 _You are the only thing in my mind,_ Raphael thinks, and then imagines his mind completely open, completely wide. This isn't teaching Simon anything, it's just making it easy. Raphael wants to teach him, but he's also curious, he also wants to  _feel_ Simon.

 

This is the only way.

 

"Try harder. You're not trying, you're afraid. You don't have to be afraid."

 

Simon squeezes his eyes shut even harder. He can feel Simon entering his mind; you feel everything as a vampire.

 

Raphael is ready to give Simon anythi _—_

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

"Raphael?"

 

Simon opens his eyes. Simon. Simon. Simon. Simon. Raphael thinks that, finally, he can stop running.

 

"Yes, Simon?"

 

"Are you messing with me right now, or did it actually work? If you're messing with me, I'm going to - well, um, nothing."

 

"Why would I ever mess with you, Simon?"

 

Simon is silent for a moment. Raphael is ready to give him  _anything._

 

"Can you, um... can you just... can you hold me? Please?"

 

"Of course." 

 

Simon falls into his arms, a position reminiscent of something that happened long ago. Simon. Simon. Stay with me. Stay with me, come on. 

 

He's making slow, sniffling noises into Raphael's neck, holding him even tighter. Tighter and tighter.

 

He's -  _oh._ He's crying.

 

Raphael pulls him closer, puts his arms around Simon's back.

 

He would give Simon anything.

 

(You feel everything as a vampire.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please tell me what you think; kudos/comments always very appreciated! Thanks!


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